Tag Archives: sorry

Don’t Apologize for Existing

I’m sharing this post mainly because I found a little bit of myself in it. I apologize a lot, I apologize all the time and I apologize for things that I don’t need to apologize for. I never really noticed until people started pointing it out. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I managed to figure it out for myself, but I’ve never been able to put it into words like this. And some parts of this really resonates for me…

Sorry. 

Sorry. 

Pardon. 

Excuse me.

Sorry.

With the onset of my depression and anxiety, “sorry” became my favorite word. Sorry for bumping into you, even if you hardly noticed. Sorry my hair sticks up on one side and I’m not wearing makeup. Sorry I’m so thin when you’re trying to lose weight. Sorry for thinking about how hard it is for me to maintain weight when you’re trying to deal with your own problems. Sorry the gift you bought me doesn’t fit. Sorry.

Sorry. 

Sorry. 

Sorry for being as smart as I am but not pursuing a career in medicine or engineering. Sorry that my leg bounces up and down and it distracted you. Sorry you feel you need to stop wearing your perfume because I’m having breathing problems.

Sorry for taking up space. Sorry for being sad or scared. Sorry for not smiling as brightly as you expect me to, or for not paying you the attention you deserve when you tell me about your day. Sorry for needing a ride instead of growing up and getting a license. Sorry for finally getting a license and not always parking perfectly or taking turns smoothly. Sorry for drawing instead of looking at you because I’ve become too anxious for eye contact.

I didn’t realize how much I was doing it until my dad said, “Stop apologizing for existing.”

“Sorry,” I said, proving his point.

Depression and anxiety told me I was worthless. They told me that I was responsible for fixing everything wrong with the lives of my loved ones. They told me I needed to stop making mistakes. They told me I needed to participate in conversations and get a social life (but they also told me not to hog the spotlight). I always needed to become better or smarter or something. Depression and anxiety told me I was never enough.

They’re still telling me that. And some days, I still believe them.

But on those days I remind myself that depression and anxiety are lying. No one is perfect, and even if I’m not good enough (or so they tell me) I still have value; I can contribute in a positive way to the lives of those around me.

If depression and anxiety are lying to you, that’s OK. Just remind yourself what’s true. And most importantly, don’t apologize: for taking up space, for living your life, for being you.

You are worth more than that. You don’t have to be sorry.

 

Dragon Harris

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I forgot to mention…

I am back, but I am leaving… tomorrow… at 6am.

Yes indeed, I have become a traveler! In fact, I just calculated… as of tomorrow, in the past 39 days I will have been in 7 different countries! I always have weird timesin my life, when suddenly all these trips and holidays overlap and I find myself in fifty different places all at once. Most of the time, I’m more low key and don’t exit the boundaries of Benelux, and if I ever do, it’s only ever to Turkey to visit my family. But I have to admit I am enjoying this life. Tiring as it is, it’s also very enjoyable and it feels good to not have too much free time. It makes me realize how much time I waste doing nothing productive. I wish I had an annoying sibling or friend who would always drag me around to places and make me do things actively… Or I just wish my life was like this more often!

Anyhoo, I don’t want to blabber on and on. This is a rather unproductive post in itself as I should really be packing considering the flight I have to catch at 8am tomorrow (#firstworldproblems)

To cut a long story short, I’d like to apologize for my absences and I will try my best to keep you all posted while I’m in Turkey for the next two weeks. I also apologize for not having posted anything ultra-intriguing recently. I really need to get back on track with “Song of the Week” and with posting some of my own writings that are not just made up on the spot (kind of like this one). I’ll seek some inspiration in Turkey (which I’m not looking forward to that much but let’s see how it all turns out).

See y’all! 🙂

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