I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way, but it seems, whenever I come across an important decision in my life, the plans I’ve always had for my future seem to shrink and become something not quite as exciting as I had intended for them to be. Take last year for example, I had to make subject choices which define what exams I will be sitting in my baccalaureate; which consequently define what I will study and what I will do for the rest of my life. I know that futuristic thoughts are never set in stone because you can always change what you want to do, but fundamentally that was the kind of pressure I had on me. I had to make a decision and suddenly I realized I had no clue what I wanted to do and every direction I decided to go in seemed to close its doors on me. Then slowly, my imagination diminished into being filled with nothing but the truth and reality. It’s was as though someone yanked me by the collar and said ‘Hey kiddo, Santa does not exist’.
I mean, let’s be realistic, I never believed ‘all my dreams would come true’. I knew that the world wasn’t full of good but I was still ambitious. Now, I just feel as if someone pulled the plug and all the motivation and ambition leaked out of me. When I think back to what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do when I was younger all I can remember is being passionate and fearless. Now here I am, sitting in front of a 10cm thick biology book reviewing the basics or sugars and proteins whilst praying that come Monday, I won’t have to sit a test for some miraculous reason. Sometimes, I just wish to go back and relive it all again, and tell myself what I know now; because I know that life isn’t just that. It doesn’t go the way you expect it because you don’t know what crossroads you will run into next; and when you choose the path you want to take, all you can do is hope for the best and never stop trying. It’s just… no one ever told me it would be this difficult, or exhausting, or (almost) demotivating…
There comes a point in your life where you realize you’ve been trying so hard for so long, that you just decide to stop.
Not an inch of you wants to try; not an inch of you wants to attempt to make a change because you realize you’re exhausted, and all you want to do is to fall into a deep sleep.